Putting words on feelings isn’t easy, especially when you’re unsure wether those feelings are good or bad, as in the complicated love letter below. Here is a long love letter for a complicated love…
Long love letter for a complicated love
I knew it. I knew it couldn’t last. I knew I would end up feeling torn apart once more, that you would reject me once again. I’m hurt, endlessly. Even if I refuse to accept it, I know you hurt me. Your self-hatred drove you to try to disgust me from you. Once again. And I’m just standing there, in love with you, with your charm, with your weaknesses and your burdens. I am in love and I am incapable of imagining just for once second that I have been nothing but a phase, to which you would put a stop before the end of the year.
You walked into my life and proved to me that I could change for love, that I could move mountains for love, that I could make craziness triumph over reason, for love.
You made me feel special. You made me forget how bad I felt before I met you. And watching you leave or having to leave myself makes me feel bad all over again. I’m looking at a reflection I don’t want to see. I’m empty. Useless. I can’t accept what I am without you. No, without you I can’t be that “me” anymore. It just doesn’t make any sense.
I have this ache, this permanent weight on my stomach.
And the further away you are – from me – the more this ache intensifies. Like you lived there and took away my guts with you when you left. It’s a gruesome feeling. It’s so painful. It’s so agressive… vicious… It’s like a neverending war. And the violence of your words ever runs in circles around my mind. Yes, your words were violent. Extremely. They have destroyed me from the inside. I’m on the edge of breaking down in despair. I’m just standing here, going back and forth to the memories of the magical moments spent with you, only to find that they have since then been laced with rejection and abandonment.
read also : Sad and painful love letter
Yes, you have abandoned me.
I feel like I’ve been left all alone, on the sidewalk of a strange city, unable to comprehend the local language, in the rain, in the cold, without heat nor shelter. And my throat closes up. And tears can’t be suppressed. And don’t think that at this precise moment I’m suffering from not having you by my side. No, that would hurt far less. Right now, I’m suffering from the knowledge that you don’t want me in your life anymore because I love you too much. I’m already having a hard time accepting the fact that someone is constantly on my mind, but that is just beyond my strength.
I don’t know if I’d rather imagine that you momentarily forgot your wounds when we were seeing each other, or if it changed absolutely nothing.
But damn it, in both cases it hurts so bad! Fuck! Tell me it was a dream! Tell me you didn’t feel alive with me! Tell me you didn’t want to share with me! Tell me you lied about everything! Tell me I’ve never interested you! That you have never loved being with me! That you were spending time with me for nothing more but your personal pleasure! At least, that would hurt less. Because then at least, I could hate you.
Shit! It doesn’t make sense! I
love you, you hate me, but that’s no reason to force me to hate you too, to leave, to detach from you. I know we can be something good. But without your will power, we can only be destructive to ourselves. Don’t drive me away. Sure, maybe I hurt inside but I’m incapable of freeing myself from you. And if, in the end, that’s what you want, you’ll just have to do it yourself, because I can’t. I can’t, because the only thing I want is to be with you. And as you have said yourself, better half a presence than none at all. Be aware, however, that it is impossible for me not to go insane without you in my life. I’m already losing my mind just imagining the possibility of you soon being gone.