A sublime open letter to ask for reassurance in your relationship! Read on…
My Open Letter To Ask For Reassurance In My Relationship
Tonight, in my head as in my heart, it’s all very complicated. A thousand questions break the peaceful rhythme of life. I ache in my heart, I ache in my gut. Tonight I ache and I can’t sleep. It doesn’t matter, I haven’t been able to for some time now. I wake up in tears in the middle of the night after having nightmares. In these dreams, my heart aches because everything is as complicated as it is in real life. I can’t close my eyes anymore.
So no, tonight this letter won’t make you smile.
It will probably hurt you a bit. It might give you doubts. And I apologize for that in advance. You can choose to stop reading now if you want, but bear in mind that I need you to read this letter til the end.
Tonight, I can’t breathe, I’m out of oxygen. Do you know what happens when I run out of air? My throat closes up, my heartbeats go astray, everything around me transforms into a black whirlpool, tears escape from my eyes. I contort myself to try and stop the pain but it’s no good. So I take it. I take all this pain and all the questions that echo through my head.
You don’t know why I ache. You think I ache simply because you feel bad.
Yes it’s the case, but it goes beyond that, tonight. I ache because I’m starting to think that everything I do for you doesn’t, and will never, make things better for us ; that you will keep being sad and never stop. But what am I doing in your life if I can’t soothe you? My heart aches because whatever I do for you, I never get the slightest positive feedback. I don’t know what to think anymore. I wonder what you think about it. Do you really need me? Am I of any use to you? Do I try too hard? Are you even capable of responding to the love I give you on a silver platter? Do you think there is enough room in your heart for me? In your life? Am I the one for you? Do you care wether I cling to you or not? Do you think about me when I’m not speaking to you? Do you miss me when I’m not there? What do you think about me? Do you think I’m pretty? Do you think my flaws take up too much space? Do you sometimes reminisce about moments spent together or words exchanged? Did you feel good with me in the past not to long ago? Do you feel good with me despite the difficulties of today? Do you think we will make it some day? Do you want us to make it, or would you rather we leave things as they are? Do you want me to hold on to you the way I do? Does the fact that I’m so attached to you make you happy? Do you think we moved too quickly? Did I say “I love you” too soon? Do you think my feelings are too big in regards to the short time that went by? Are you sick of me? Would you rather I left you alone? Can you stand me?
Are you better off without me?
I’m tired of asking myself all these questions. It hurts. Getting no answer, or even a clue, hurts. I understand you can’t give me answers right now, and I’m absolutely not angry at you for it. There is no reproach in what I have listed, don’t worry. But I kind of feel like you will never again be able to reach out and open up, maybe as an attempt to protect me, maybe because you are busy fighting with your dragon. But please don’t worry. Find the words to soothe my twisted heart and my tormented mind. I know you can find such words, so please do. Please.
I apologize if some of the words in this letter have hurt you. I’ll say it again, I don’t always do things right.
02/27/19 – 1.33am